The Conversation
by RBfan4ever
Summary: Andy visiting Sam's grave talking to herself about what her life would have been like if she'd never met him or fallen in love with him and about trying to move on with her life without him. *ONE SHOT*


**A/N: Ok, so here it is, my first *possibly ONLY* attempt at a one shot ... got the idea when LeAnn Rimes' "Probably Wouldn't Be This Way" came on my iPod ... consider this your *tissue warning* ...**

* * *

It was a familiar walk. Andy McNally had been taking it regularly for the last eight months. At first it was daily. If she wasn't home she was at the cemetery. Oliver and Traci understood she was in shock, everybody was. Sam Swarek was always there when it mattered until the day he wasn't there anymore. And it left his friends, his family, Andy, shattered. When days turned into weeks of Andy being at the cemetery Oliver and Traci's understanding turned to concern. At their urging, daily slowly became every other day then once a week.

Because she didn't just lay flowers and leave her visits got a lot of attention but she didn't care she was there to be with Sam.

She started by telling him everything that had happened during the week. Laughing as she spoke of Jerry's antics, wiping a tear as she spoke of Oliver. He'd always been like a father to her even though the age difference was only ten years. He really stepped up after Sam's death when Tommy went back to rehab. She'd been at the cemetery when Tommy told her he needed to go away for awhile. When she pressed him for a reason he broke down and told her ... he needed to be somewhere where a bottle wasn't the shoulder he leaned on so he could help her through her grief when she needed him. She would swear she almost felt Sam's hand on her back trying to calm her as she listened to her dad.

She told him about Izzy and how she was pretty sure Oliver was using his daughter to babysit her. She told him about Frank and Noelle and how they always brought Olivia over but left when she started asking where he was. She told him how the rookies had circled the wagons appointing themselves as Traci and Oliver's backup. She told him how her dad was doing.

Jay only tried to act the grieving father once. _Oliver and Celery were at the house when the door opened. Boo ran to the door thinking it was Sam and immediately started barking because he didn't recognize the person standing there. Andy and Oliver looked at each other when they heard Jay's voice telling Boo to shut up. Andy got up and went to the door. Boo sat at her feet growling at Jay. "What're you doing here?" she'd asked. Jay had looked at her like it was a stupid question. "My boy was killed and you didn't tell me?" he accused. "Your boy? Really?! You didn't give a damn about him most of his life, so don't pretend to care now that he's gone. Get out of my house, out of my life."_

Charlie had been at the funeral and regularly checked up on her.

Oliver always brought Celery when he came to take her home. She did some kind of voodoo magic or whatever and blessed Sam. Andy knew he'd give her a funny look if he was there then give in because it made her feel better when Celery kept them connected. Celery was the reason she slept at night.

But today, today her walk was slower than usual. It wasn't that she didn't want to be there, she just didn't know how to tell him ...

Standing in front of the marble stone that was engraved with Sam's name Andy took a deep breath. She started the same as she did any other week. When it came time to tell him what she really wanted to her voice filled with tears.

She could almost hear Sam's voice saying, "What is it, McNally? What's wrong?" She smiled as tears ran down her cheeks. Even after they got married, she was still McNally. He even called her McNally during their vows.

She tried to swallow the lump in her throat but every time she tried to speak nothing came out.

She knew there was no one there but she felt a hand on her shoulder, felt it squeeze her neck before running up and down her back, just the way Sam used to. Then she heard his voice softly whispering, "Talk to me, McNally."

Andy sat on the ground, her back against the tombstone.

"Ran into one of your favorite people, she asked me how the _cowboy_ was, I was too mad to say it any other way, I just said, 'He's dead,' and watched her mouth drop." She could almost see his dimpled grin. "She says it's time for me to move on. I don't want to. But," she stopped and took a deep breath, "I got a date a week from Friday, with that new D that came to the Division a few weeks ago. I only said yes because he caught me at the Penny on Rookie Night ... that's what they call the night they drag me outta the house ... I only said yes so he'd leave me alone. You'd hate him, I know you would. Word around the Division is that he's a skirt chaser but I don't really care I don't want a new boyfriend, I want my husband ..."

She stopped to wipe the tears away. Her voice was barely above a whisper as she sang the chorus of a song she'd heard some time since his Sam's death,

"I probably wouldn't be this way  
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad  
I never pictured every minute without you in it  
Oh, you left so fast  
Sometimes I see you standing there  
Sometimes I feel an angel's touch  
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much  
God gave me a moment's grace  
'Cause if I'd never seen your face  
I probably wouldn't be this way."

She turned toward the tombstone as she said, "Here, right now, this is what I know ... you were my best friend, my partner, the love of my life for now, forever ... for always. I am yours. And I will keep loving you one moment after another, one epiphany after another."


End file.
